Holocaust Museum 

National Art Gallery

National Portrait Gallery

Lessons From The Life of Muhammed by Tariq Ramadan

The Book Thief by Markus Zusak

Memories of a Geisha by Arthur Golden

The Shadow of The Wind

The Kite Runner

A Thousand Splendid Suns

And the Mountains Echoed

Desert Flower by Waris Dirie

Critique of Pure Reason by Immanuel Kant

I used to be able to write. The words were free flowing. Now, after everything that has happened, it’s almost as if I gave up on the world and lost interest.

Have you ever noticed that we hate the qualities of others that we ourselves possess? I, myself, am a perfectionist and I am also my worst critic. But when things go wrong, I push it away. I repress it into my unconscious until I am not aware of it anymore. I care too much about people’s perceptions of me. I feel the need to live up to the expectations of my teachers, friends, family, and myself. I won’t lie: I am stressed out. I don’t like the idea of not being good at something. And since I’m not exactly a sports freak, school is all I have. Teachers brainwash you into thinking that if you don’t do well in their class, you’ll be a failure at life. It can really mess up with your head, and even hurt you. One of my AP teachers does it all the time. As I have said earlier, I already am my worst critic, I don’t need someone pushing me up against the wall and telling me that I won’t do well or succeed in life because of a few errors I may have in the class. It’s just wrong. I guess I understand it’s in her personality and she is one of those people who stay up all night grading papers, making sure everything is perfect and she hates making mistakes. Sometime, she belittles us high school students by saying, “its okay for us to make mistakes because we aren’t in college”. Or “[she] understand[s] we may need a little push and [she] is willing to give it to us since we’re only high school students”. Or, “if we don’t do well in her class, we won’t get into a good college and it’s important that we all get into a GOOD college and not just ANY college, which we won’t do if we don’t all get 100’s”. Maybe I’m crazy for this affecting me so much but it does. I constantly think about my future, and I get scared. The last thing I need is someone else pressing me about it. I understand she isn’t aware this has this effect on me, but still. I can’t wait to get out of that class and never be in there again. The stiff environment and lack of comfort it gives me is upsetting. I suppose, as a perfectionist, I can easily see these qualities in my teacher. I have the same views and thoughts as her but at the same time I don’t try to push it onto other people and make them squirm or be nervous. I am in charge of my own destiny, not her. Sometimes I look at her and think, “Is she happy?” It doesn’t really seem like she is. Manifestly, I cannot assume because the boundaries of our relationship extend solely to the four classroom walls. I am not one to deliberate on that, but I don’t understand who gave her the authority to cross that line on students. A friend had told me she assumed she had family problems because she wasn’t “give her full 100% attention to the class”. My friend is in IB. No one can decide my future but myself. And my success is not going to be defined by you and I am not going to let you belittle me and the rest of the class like the way you are doing. Who are you to say we won’t be successful? I guess pessimism is in her blood, as it is in mine, but I am slowly learning how to be optimistic. I guess my teacher just didn’t properly go though her stages of psychosocial development. I hope I can slowly learn not to care what anyone else says and create my own fate/future. I envy anyone who already can.

Lately I’ve felt as though my life is an array of repetition.. constant stressing, anxiety, etc. I’m not happy. I find myself vicariously living through others who have presumably “better” lives than I do and I find myself yearning for the unknown.. I have dreams and desires just like any other human being but I don’t know how to go about what I want in life. I just want satisfaction, contentment. 

School is simply memorization and I am getting fed up with the stresses it puts on us to be the best and the anxiousness it causes me..the emotional stress sometimes comes to a turmoil and I see no benefit of it..

I want to do something I love, not something I am forced and miserable doing. I am quite competitive with grades, etc and I don’t like the feeling I get when I don’t live up to my expectations or someone does better than me.

The fact of the matter is I don’t want to live this way. Life is too short and it’s amazing how insignificant all of us, as human beings are. Sometimes when I am in a room full of people and see how many of us there are, it baffles me. What I do doesn’t matter to anyone but myself, as long as I am content. 

College is approaching soon and I wish I knew what my future plans are, I wish I knew who I was, I wish I knew what I want, and Lastly, I wish I knew what to do.

if i’m stressin now idk how i’ll be able to handle college.